


Heaven

by AllHallowsEve



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Coda, Drinking, Episode: s15e08 Our Father Who Aren't In Heaven, Fear, First Kiss, Fix-It, Love Confessions, M/M, Wincest - Freeform, mentions of underage desire
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-14
Updated: 2019-12-14
Packaged: 2021-02-26 03:40:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21796978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AllHallowsEve/pseuds/AllHallowsEve
Summary: What if Sam had more to say to Dean after Dean's blessing of his and Eileen's relationship?
Relationships: Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester
Comments: 28
Kudos: 115





	Heaven

**Author's Note:**

> I have been wanting to write for a while now but my muse is pissed off and drunk in a corner because the show is ending and how season 15 has been going in general. But suddenly she got her voice back and inspired me about episode 8 and how this scene worked between the brothers.

Sam’s breath caught in his throat as he realized where Dean was headed with this discussion about Eileen.

As Dean talked about Sam and Eileen being together, Sam’s heart felt like an invisible hand was shoved inside his chest and began squeezing the life out of his heart.

To Sam, Dean’s voice sounded like it was coming from far off and made of mostly white noise.

Sam tried to stop Dean by agreeing that he had also tried the “family thing,” as Dean put it, and added definitively “It’s not for us.”

Dean wasn’t hearing him. He kept going and Sam felt like a nightmare was playing out in real time. Maybe this was one of Chuck’s evil visions of a possible future come to life. 

Sam was so uncomfortable and didn’t know how to explain to Dean that what he wanted was so far removed from what Dean was suggesting. It made his stomach queasy to hear Dean say “She’s hot.”

Sam couldn’t keep eye contact after that, he shook his head, closed his eyes and rubbed his brow, seeking any exit from this conversation. He tried again to push back, “Dean…I mean…I’m not even…”

His stubborn brother cut him off by saying, “Look, all I’m saying is you could do worse,” with a chuckle he continued, “and she could certainly do better.”

Sam felt Dean pat him on the shoulder and his heart broke as Dean said, “I’m happy for you Sammy.”

Dean was already a couple of paces towards the door when Sam turned to watch his retreating steps. Sam’s face held a sad weight as his eyes followed Dean out of the room. Sam felt stunned and numb and panicked all at the same time.

He stood without meaning to do so. He had taken two steps to follow Dean before his mind caught up with what his body was doing. He stopped. Stood still for a few breaths and then turned and walked over to the liquor cabinet.

He poured two fingers of whiskey and swallowed it in one go. It burned and his head swam but he poured another and shot that back as well, one more and he had as much courage as the liquor would provide.

He clunked the glass down harder than he meant to and swiveled on his heel.

He couldn’t take Dean not knowing one more moment. He had lived his entire life with the shadow of fear hanging over him, following him like a specter. He had always dreaded the idea of Dean accidentally finding out Sam’s desire for him, his being in love with Dean had haunted every moment of Sam’s life with his brother.

But he had never actually considered telling Dean outright. He had always known it would ruin what they had. But these past few years had been good together. He had thought they had come to a mutual understanding, that it was he and Dean against the world, come what may. That they didn’t need anyone or anything else to survive. That they had their lives together and it was enough for both of them. 

But if Dean was going to start pushing him like this towards Eileen, Sam couldn’t stand it. He didn’t want to face a final standoff against God with his brother not knowing the truth. He began to walk slowly down the hall towards Dean’s room.

He stood in front of Dean’s door for an indeterminate amount of time before he finally raised his hand to knock. But then there was no answer. So he knocked again, this time harder and more insistent. Nothing.

Sam twisted the knob and slowly opened it, waiting for his brother to call out and tell him in an aggravated voice not to open his door unless he gave him permission. But no sound met the action.

As soon as the door was opened more than a crack Sam could hear tinny music coming from the area of Dean’s bed. He took a timid step forward and realized Dean was laying flat of his back on his bed with his headphones on. The music must be blaringly loud if Sam could hear notes of it all the way at the door.

He walked slowly towards the bed thinking that any moment Dean would complain, but as he moved closer he realized Dean had his eyes closed. He could hear the music clearer now, enough to recognize that it was the 80s song Heaven by Bryan Adams. That stopped him in his tracks. Dean hated that song.

It had been one of Sam’s favorites when he was little and Dean had made fun of him mercilessly, calling him Samantha, saying only a girl would like that song. Sam had loved it so much that he had sat by the clock radio for hours in several motels with his tape recorder hoping it would come across the airwaves so he could record it. He had gotten lucky and captured it and several other songs he liked on a mixed tape that he had listened to all through high school, but had lost somewhere in the move to Stanford. He hadn’t thought of that tape in years.

He moved to the side of Dean’s bed slowly and realized there were tears streaming down the side of Dean’s face. Sam’s breath caught in his throat.

He looked at the old walkman Dean was holding in one hand and saw through the window that the writing on the tape was Sam’s own chunky younger lettering. It was his old mixed tape. Evidently it hadn’t been lost in the move, but had gotten swiped by his big brother.

The pieces of information that he had been gathering since he had stepped into the room clicked into place. His heart began to beat faster. Was it possible that he wasn’t alone in his…

“What the hell Sam?” Dean jump like he had been shocked by a cattle prod.

He angrily wiped at his eyes as if they had betrayed him as he sat up in bed, clicking the stop button on the walkman in the process, jerking the headphones off and throwing all of it to the side of the bed.

“Dude! What are you doing standing over me like the ghost of Christmas past?”

Sam’s mouth was dry. It took him two times to get any sound out. He took a step back from where he realized he had indeed been looming over his brother. His hand had even reached out towards Dean without Sam meaning for it to.

He pulled it back as he mumbled, “I…I… just thought we needed to talk.”

Dean glared at him expectantly.

Thoughts were swirling through Sam’s mind. He shouldn’t have had those shots earlier because now he was a little foggy.

He sat down hard on the corner of the bed when his knees suddenly gave out.

Dean scrambled his own legs backwards and propped himself up on his headboard.

Dean’s eyes were too wide, Sam could tell his brother was freaked out and he hoped it was for the reason he was beginning to believe.

Sam swallowed hard, “You’re wrong about Eileen.” 

He stumbled with what to say. “I mean she’s a great girl and all that, but I don’t want to be with her.”

Dean’s brows furrowed. “Why?”

Sam took a deep breath. “I wanna be with someone else.”

The sounds flew out of him so fast they were basically all one word.

“Gimme that again?” Dean looked at him quizzically.

“I… want… to… be … with … someone… else.” Sam was looking down when he said it, his hair hiding his face.

“Huh. Sneaking out and seeing someone on the DL are ya?” Dean cleared his throat.

“That a boy Sammy, I knew you had it in you.” His voice tried for playful but the tone was flat.

The dissonance brought Sam’s eyes up to meet those of his brother. He saw pain in Dean’s eyes and for the first time in his life that brought Sam hope.

“No. Nothing like that.” Sam barely managed to get the words out, his throat was so closed up with fear.

“You’ve lost me Sam.” Dean’s tone came out tired and slightly impatient.

It was now or never. 

“I want to be with you Dean.” Sam said flatly. His heart was beating like a wild rabbit caught in a snare.

Dean blinked for a second, but then said, “Aw Sammy, I don’t care who you’re with. Whoever it is, of course you can bring them here to the bunker, there’s plenty of room and we can keep hunting.”

Dean’s voice was pitching higher as he began rambling almost to the point of incoherence. “I didn’t know if you would want to keep hunting if you were going to settle down with someone else but sure that could work…”

“Stop it Dean.” There was a snarl to Sam’s tone.

Dean’s voice froze mid sentence.

“Just stop it.” Sam said with a sigh. 

“I don’t want anyone else. I want you. In a way I am not supposed to want you, but have my entire life. Ever since I understood what want was, I wanted you.”

Sam watched Dean’s face morph and contort through a mixture of thoughts and feelings. Then it shut down, it became his hard face that he used when preparing for the bloodiest kind of work they do.

“You can’t be serious.” Dean’s voice had dropped to the dangerous tone he used against the scariest of monsters to hide his own fear.

“I have never been more serious about anything in my life.” Sam’s voice was calm.

Once the words were out, and Dean hadn’t run for the door or punched him in the face, he felt relief. More relieved than he could have thought possible. He had said the words he had been running from since he was at least 12 years old or so. He had said he wanted his brother and the world hadn’t ended. Sure Dean looked like a deer in headlights but that was better than the alternative.

Sam decided to keep going. “I’m in love with you Dean, head over heels in love with you, have been since I was just a kid.”

“You don’t know what you’re saying Sammy. You’ve taken one too many hits to the old noggin evidently because your brains are scrambled right now.” Dean couldn’t keep the panic out of his voice.

“I know exactly what I’m saying.” Sam decided to apply some pressure.

“And I also know that you were just lying here listening to my favorite love song and crying, after telling me to have a good life with someone else.” Sam tried not to let his voice sound as smug as he felt.

Dean swallowed hard. He began shaking his head but no words would come out.

Sam went with relentlessness, it wasn’t the first time that tactic had gotten what he wanted from Dean. “The fact that you haven’t punched me or told me to get the hell out of your room also tells me something.”

Dean looked away and scrubbed at his face. 

“Sammy, what you’re saying, it just don’t make any kind of sense.”

His big brother couldn’t meet Sam’s eyes. The lack of anger or disgust emboldened Sam, the whiskey roiled in his blood.

Sam shifted and moved up the bed, his body lithe and stalking like a panther.

Dean tried to back away further but was trapped against the headboard.

“Easy there tiger, what are you doing Sam?”

Sam was done with talking. The end of the world was nigh yet again and God was a dick, treating them like bugs, plucking at their wings just to see them squirm, so what did rules and social mores have to do with them?

Sam closed the distance and the fact that Dean was still on the bed, frozen in place, gave him the last bit of courage needed. 

Dean put up his hand and touched his brother’s chest. Neither of them could tell if he meant it to stop Sam or encourage him.

“Sam…”

Before he could begin another word, Sam’s mouth was on Dean’s.

It was as if time itself stopped. The world spun and then Dean’s arms were wrapped around Sam, Sam pulled Dean back down until he was prone under Sam.

Their lips met again only this time their mouths opened to each other and all thoughts were lost to feeling. Feelings of completion, of home, and purpose and everything either of them had ever dreamed of.

**Author's Note:**

> I hate Eileen. I hated her the first go around. (No offense to the actor or the character but as soon as hints began to swirl about a love connection between she and Sam she became enemy number one). And I hate her even more passionately now that they are really pushing her and Sam together. It just makes my skin crawl. There is NO chemistry between them in my opinion and this isn't what I want for the last season we ever get. Sorry about the rant but UGH!!! 
> 
> Hope you liked my way of viewing this scene and the fix it I did.
> 
> Thanks for reading. Comments and kudos will help give me the will to go on that season 15 has sucked from my being.


End file.
